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I have been clean for one week and four days. I am just starting to feel like myself again.
Every time I think about going somewhere I still have the thought that I need to score before I can commit to anything.
What started out as self-medicating for a toothache turned into 2 of the worst years of my life. I told myself that as soon as I fixed my problem I would be fine to just stop. I went from doing a quarter of a 30mg pill a day to doing 6 or 7 daily. When the pills got too expensive I started doing heroin. Because of how cheap and easy to get it was, I spiraled even further down into a black hole of addiction. I lost two jobs in the process. I lied, and I stole to get the high that I thought brought out the best in me. What I didn't know is that I was just a shell of myself. I lost friends and my family started to pull away from me. I never told anyone but the people that I got high with. Even to this day I can't bring myself to come clean with them and don't know if I ever will.
Everything reminds me of it. Every time I think about going somewhere I still have the thought that I need to score before I can commit to anything. My brain is still wired to think about it constantly and it probably always will be. I am so grateful for my sobriety and will never go back down the road that brought me to the place I'm in now. I'm lucky to have not lost the man I love, and I might be able to salvage the friendships I have destroyed. I'm writing this because I want to be an inspiration for people who haven't gotten out of the horrible, never-ending cycle that this addiction is. Also it's to be able to tell someone somewhere that I've finally freed myself from it. The thing that keeps me going is knowing that I am loved even if I am damaged. Thank you for letting me tell my story.
My son Brennan is with me when I am quiet. The place where I find that quiet is at Oakledge Park in Burlington where we as a family have placed a bench at the water’s edge his honor. His name is inscribed with the words:
Ride Infinite Powder
I walk with him next to me. In my mind's eye as I walk in Oakledge Park, I see him with his arm around me, flopped over my shoulder with such affection. His 6’3 stature and beautiful green blue eyes looking down at me. Brennan loved me, his mom, with complete abandon. Brennan was my eldest and always concerned with his other two siblings and me, his mom. “Mom when are you going to meet someone? You deserve the best,” he spoke with such sincerity. Brennan’s battle with drug addiction began with prescribed medication due to a surgery. He died of addictive illness, a brain disease which brought him nothing but suffering. His caliber of person fully intact when he died. His unending love a constant.
The mountains of Vermont are another place Brennan’s presence is so palpable. I see him snowboarding with complete and utter joy. Nature is where my son Brennan thrived.
He was a passionate and intelligent and, above all, a sensitive young man who lived his life fully. He had more adventure in his 26 years than most fit in a lifetime. Brennan Joseph was my life and I miss him every minute of every day. His brother, sister, mother and father will never recover from the great loss of this most unusual soul.
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