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I was a heroin and cocaine addict for 15 years. I lost my father in 2002 to an overdose, which fueled me to care even less and completely destroy what was left of my life. I spent 11 months in jail and lost many friends and had been deserted by my family. After my husband died I began to come out of the fog and after several rehabs and attempts at recovery I was able to put together a year. I found out not long after that I was pregnant with my first son, which changed my life. Not only was he born 8/26/10 but in many ways so was I. Since his birth I was blessed on 9/13/12 with a second son who is just as amazing and perfect as his brother.
I often think of what could have happened if I continued the way I was.
Since 2010 my children and I have overcome many obstacles. I recently graduated with a degree in human services and am looking to continue my education after a semester break. I have an amazing job in the field, which allows me to be supportive to others while also staying on the road to recovery myself. Simple life problems and choices that were once too much for me to handle have become routine and in some cases expected. However there are some things that can't be counted on such as losing the father of my children who was also an addict, to cancer last June. This altered our lives forever.
I have learned many things in recovery about myself and who I was vs. who I want to be. I am now a college graduate who is employable, I am a nurturing mother, a true friend, and a loved member of a family. I belong to a fellowship that always has the answers I need when I need them. The support network I have been blessed with has helped me through all of the ups and downs and I would not trade the life I have today for anything in this world.
I often think of what could have happened if I continued the way I was. These thoughts keep it real for me and it reminds me that addiction is a disease that needs to be treated one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. Looking back at the family members and friends whose lives were cut short by addiction makes me sad but on the bright side reminds me how grateful I am to be alive, healthy and able to help those still suffering from this deadly illness. I thank God for the blessings in my life and for my ability to recognize and appreciate even the simplest things that at one time I took for granted.
I am able to smile again and walk down the street proud of who I am and also where I came from because without that experience I may not have the life I do now.
-Jessica Coleman
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I just had my next-to-last lorazepam prescription filled on August 8th, which will bring me up to a total of 377 pills over eight months. On December 6th, 2014, I will be free after having taken 467 pills. Nobody forced me to medicate on lorazepam, a member of the benzodiazepine family. It worked to prevent panic attacks, which went from a weekly to a daily occurrence last winter. The medication helped, so my primary care provider gave me a three-month supply - enough for three 0.5 mg doses per day. I learned to live on the tranquilizer. I was prescribed enough to stay on for three months more.
Days are getting better now that I'm a month into the taper.
I didn't realize anything was wrong with my use of lorazepam until I was forced into withdrawal. Someone stole six of my nine remaining my pills a few days before I could request a refill. I thought, "No big deal. I'll just take less." I came to learn a hard lesson and now firmly believe that in most cases it's irresponsible and shameful for practitioners to prescribe benzodiazepines for more than one month. In my experience, long-term use leads to impaired cognitive function, including memory loss and trouble concentrating as well as tolerance, dependence, and a craving for the next dose.
The physical symptoms of panic attack disorder returned when I cut my daily dose from 1.5 mg to 0.5 mg. Sweaty palms, racing heart, tremors, and dizziness came on strong, though the mental aspects (constant worry and fear) were mostly absent. I felt ill the way only someone who's experienced withdrawal knows. I needed the medication to feel un-sick and realized it was time to stop. I also realized that I had lived for months not remembering entire scenes from my day. I'd grown increasingly anti-social and now had new phobias, like the interstate and a crowded conference room.
But benzodiazepines can't be stopped suddenly if somebody has taken them for months or years, because seizures can occur. Dependency pops up its dirty little head every day while one is tapering off because one's GABA transmitters are changed, and they can make the sufferer feel awful when they don't get their way.
Days are getting better now that I'm a month into the taper. So far, I've suffered intense nausea, this weird hand-grasping-the-air activity, frequent episodes where I felt like I was falling, and times when I can do nothing except cover my face with my hands and rest them atop my work desk and suffer jaw pain and headaches. I stare out windows for long periods. Depression and avoiding social scenes have been issues. But these problems are slowing down. Life will return to normal.
I know some people in the medical community will disagree with me, but here goes: Fellow sufferers of anxiety and panic disorders, do not let your doctor prescribe you benzos for more than four weeks or you will one day regret sliding into a routine where your drugs become less effective, you look forward to your next dose even though it does nothing except satisfy an addiction, and you finally feel the physical shock of not having enough meds. If your panic attacks become more frequent after starting a benzo, run. Literally. Running for thirty minutes per day a few times per week will help immensely.
-Aaron
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